This edition of the ‘John Jett Van of Fame’ is not only in honor of John Jett, but is for him as well. See ‘JJ’ spends every day and night with who he calls ‘Pearly & Porky’.
“Man, that damn Pearly is always pushing me around and taking my Chili Cheese Fritos, I’m like c’mon Pearl you know I only get one square meal a week. Then blondie, he only ever says three things, “I miss my family, take me home, hows my hair, and Charlie Horse” those guys are straight up bullys”. ~John Jett
Hearing poor John talk like that made me realize, what he needed is… a bitch. So without further ado, I’m pleased to introduce the newest member of the ‘John Jett Van of Fame’ Ty Detmer.
Most of you probably remember Ty as the quarterback that threw 6 interceptions against Cleveland, or the 4th round pick we wasted in exchange for him. What I remember most is the event that occurred the day before the Cleveland game and no doubt led to those events.
(Now before you start saying “how the fuck do you know what happened the day before the game” listen, I went to highschool with a stupid Mormon bitch, so I know what the fuck happened, ok?)
So, Ty was standing around the locker room after the Saturday morning walk through waiting for the car service to take him to the airport for the Cleveland game, that’s when John noticed him ‘hey, whatcha doin faggot?”, “uh just waiting for my ride to the airport” Ty said.
“Fuck that, your drivin with me, get in the van bitch” John said. Ty and John hopped into the van and were off. After about two blocks, John pulled into an alley and parked the van. He pulled out his cigarettes and beer, and of course being mormon Ty started lecturing him a bunch of bullshit, but John wasnt listening, he pulled his ‘snake’ out and started yanking it. Ty (of course) was appalled, he demanded to know what John was doing, and naturally John responded with “taking you to the airport bitch”.
Once John had finished he lit up another smoke and cracked open another beer and of course Ty started in again. When John realized what the fuck he was talking about, he knew what he had to do. John pulled over and went into a liquor store, where he bought a 1/5th of Wild Turkey and couple of Jolt colas. He took them back to the van where he rummaged for a couple of empty cups and made a few of what he called ‘Tombstones’. Being a whiny bitch Ty refused to drink it, but John pulled a knife from under his seat and explained to Ty that only one kind of pussy was allowed in the van and he was the wrong kind. Reluctantly Ty agreed to drink it.
The next day Ty was awoken in the visitor’s locker room of Cleveland Stadium 5 minutes before kick-off by John Jett who was in full uniform. In the whirlwind haze of hookers, bar-b-ques and underground casinos the only thing Ty could really remember was his new nickname:
“Hey, your initials are TD, you know what that stands for, TEENIE DICK, that’s what you have, HEY HOOKERS! Dont mess with him he’s TEENIE!” ~John Jett